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The speech is fictitious & a parody of the famous Mark Antony’s speech style in Shakespeare’s ‘Julius Caesar’. Any resemblance to a character living or dead is merely coincidental. In no way, it is related to my real life!

Friends, Indians, countrymen, lend me your ears;
I come to marry a girl, not to praise women.
The mistakes that men do lives after them;
The good is oft interred with their bones;
So let it be with me when I was single.

My noble father-in-law hath told you I was a miser:
If it were so, it was a grievous fault,
And grievously hath I answer’d it.
Here, under leave of my father in law and the rest—
For he is an honorable man;
So are they all, all honorable men—
Come, I to speak in my funeral (marriage).
She was my friend, faithful and just to me:
His daughter, my to be wife, who else?
And my wife in law is an honorable woman.

You all do know that during our courtship
I thrice presented her queenly gifts,
Which she did never refuse
Yet he says I was miserly;
And, sure, he is an honorable man. 

I speak not to disprove what he (in law) spoke,
But here I am to speak what I do know.
During first weekend out, I paid for all,
From supper to fast & her girly nirly wirlies!
What cause withholds you then, to believe me?
O judgement! thou art fled to my in law’s pants!

I will not do her wrong; I rather chose
A dollar & half worth candies for her
To meet her with the cheapest & reddest roses
Not that I counted any money or labour
Let but the commons hear this testament—
Which, pardon me, I do not mean to read—

She never spent a dime on my gifts or treats
Miss calls & empty smiles is what she gave
Does my father in law mention that ever?
And yet, my father in law is an honorable man.

‘Will you be patient? Will you stay awhile?’
On all dates, I overshot myself to tell her this
That, fuel costs were more than ever to return so soon
That, a kiss & a bite are two different affairs
But, for heaven’s sakes, she was her father’s kin!
Hurry to complain & up to bed
Alone of course and without a good night kiss.

Alas, I am out of charges to defend my rights
While I hath gift’d her a 33331/- Rs ring as gift
She left me a smile & talk of some life – long company
Not like Section 2, ‘Offers & Proposals
Wherein with good faith, she revert in presents or kind!
Does my father in law mention that ever?
And yet, my father in law is an honorable man.